I'm the crazy cat lady. You know what I'm talking about - that lady who smells like cat urine and has about 45 billion cats rummaging through her house? Yep - that's me.
Remember when I said I hated cats? I still do. Problem is - I HAVE ANOTHER ONE NOW.
Hit the jump for the Top 15 reasons why I'm a crazy cat lady...
My beautiful, darling, gorgeous, pain-in-my-butt wife and I went to birthday party for a friend a few weeks ago, and one of the party goers happened to find a cute-as-a-button kitten on the side of the road. It really was cute. Yes, because it was pretty, but mainly because it wasn't mine. Either someone had dropped it off, or the mother gave birth to it in the wild (I'd like to think it was the latter because who could abandon a kitten that was no more than 5 weeks old on the road like that?)
Well, this party goer had brought this kitten to my wife's attention (without my knowledge of course) and I swear they devised a plan to get me to agree to take this kitten home. While I was playing with my son, my wife, in a very fishy manner, came over and said "someone wants to meet you - they're on the deck." (red flag #1)
So, I traipsed along the yard thinking that some person wants to actually speak with me (red flag #2 - I didn't know anyone there and no one cared about me anyway.)
I walked up on the deck and no one is paying me any mind (red flag #3)
Then, I heard from the back corner, "oh, you must be Mary's husband!" I turn around to find a woman holding a towel (red flag #4 - who the hell cradles a towel?)
And then, I seen the problem - the kitten was in the towel and she said, "Mary wanted you to meet him." (I quietly turned around, swore at myself for being so dumb and cursed my wife's name to the heavens.)
All I could think about was Lawrence Taylor's famous quote, "I was set up like a motherf*cker."
From there, I knew I was a goner. Instantly. I just knew I was coming home with another freakin' cat.
So now I've got two cats. Khaleesi and Sassenach.
Sassenach you ask? Yep. "Sassenach," is Gaelic for, "Outlander."
Yes, we are fans of the show on Starz (you can actually check out our podcast about it here), But it actually has more meaning than that - we found him in the woods in Massachusetts. He's not from RI - thus, Outlander. Get it?
Ugh - I hate cats so much and, what's worse, I am now a crazy cat lady. Here's why:
1. The number of cats in my household equal the amount of adults.
2. My house smells like a mixture of cat food and cat excrement.
3. Every damn step I take crunches because I step on cat litter in one way or another.
4. I LITERALLY HAVE MORE CAT FOOD THAN HUMAN FOOD.
5. When my cat sleeps in bed with my wife and I, I actually kinda like it. But, then I hate it because I wake up at 3am to the sound of two little bells ringing through my tiny apartment.
6. Bells you say? Yup - they are the contraptions we've devised in order to to keep track of the little freakin' ninjas and prevent them from escaping the house. Yes, I said, to prevent them from escaping. I think they even realize they shouldn't be here - which leads me to the next thing.
7. I am forcefully keeping them in my homestead.
8. My kid actually likes these cats - perhaps even a little too much. I'm always afraid he's going to poke one of their eyes out, or grab their tails to swing them around like a lasso.
9. I keep waiting for one of them to bat at him with their claws and give me an excuse to kick them the heck out. BUT THEY JUST WON'T DO IT.
10. Trying to get work done? Bahahahaha. Please. Why do work when they can lay down on the keyboard and be pet for 15 minutes straight?
11. Trying to be intimate with my wife? No sir. Can't have that - the cat ruins any chance of me getting lucky because when I'm on the bed, they are too.
12. How about watching a movie? Nope. They'll make it a point to sit on your face.
13. CAT FUR IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. It's in the tub. It's in my refrigerator. It's in dishwasher. It's even in car for god's sake. You know how many times my cats have been in my beautiful Dodge Charger SRT8? NEVER! How the heck does it get in my car?!?!?
14. My cats are nice. A little too nice. They walk all over my guests, eat their food, jump on tables, and lick my friend's heads. Oh yeah, no joke. They do.
15. My cats sit around the house like they are the Kings of Babylon, expecting to have food brought to them, to be cleaned upon request, and to be cuddled at a moments notice. They think, and pretty much do, run the joint.
Yup. I'm a crazy cat lady now. And I hate myself.
Do you hate your life as much as I do? #catssuck
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