To Minivan Or Not To Minivan - That Is The Question
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #FueltheLove #CollectiveBias
I'm your typical American male - I love baseball, movies, football, cars, motorcycles and drinking the occasional American made adult beverage while grilling a 20 oz. porterhouse in my back yard. But you know what I can't stand? Minivans. My god, they are the bane of my existence. The problem is, Tall Mom and I had a second kid and we have to upgrade from our current vehicle to a reliable car that will be big enough to house all of their stuff. Unfortunately, the minivan may be our only option. But here's how I plan on getting out from underneath that infernal vehicle's clutches...
Like I said, I'm a proud American male in his thirties. But, I made the fantastic choice of having my own family. With that family comes a whole bunch of stuff: diapers, toys, wipes, car seats, more toys, potties, and countless other items that I never anticipated. Nevermind the fact that I actually have to tote around myself, my wife, OUR stuff, and now, another kid. It's an OCD nightmare.
But, from my experience of shopping for new cars, there is nothing out there that can handle all my need, AND be convenient at the same time. Well, unless of course, until you get to the minivan.
True - with the minivan, you get all the room in the world, easy access to the back seats, automatic doors, low steps for the kids to get in the vehicle, DVD players, and some even have a little cooling container in the center console for kid's drinks. Plus there's all the technology of sensors, back up cameras, side cameras, and countless other perks. I would't even be surprised if one of them had a freakin' Flux Capacitor too. Best of all, when you take care of them, minivans are really reliable. They never stop. Independently, all of this stuff sounds really cool. Honestly.
The problem is, however, it's not. The minivan is just not cool.
Sorry folks. It is what it is.
The minivan, despite all it's cool components, is the sum of a tactile set piece of a man's disintegration into bland, vanilla, white-picket-fence misery. When the minivan is purchased, it's the final straw in the ceremony of the white flag waiving over one's independence and individuality.
Many men have fallen. Many have never come back. But I refuse to be one of the many.
Maybe I'm too proud. Maybe I am putting my family in a worse situation by not getting the minivan. LIke I said, the minivan relatively cheap, it's convenient, and it will haul all of our crap. It actually makes sense.
But, the closer I get to buying one (and thanks to Tall Mom it has come VERY CLOSE) I keep thinking of Ron Burgundy in Anchorman when he said, "I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn."
Do you know that I'll be trading in my beautiful, gorgeous, bone chilling Hemi Dodge Charger SRT8 for this new car? I'm proud to say that, like Cameron's dad in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I have been known to wipe down my pride-and-joy-of-a-car with a diaper from time to time. (Thank you John Hughes.) So, there is no way, in ANY world, that I'll be trading it this testosterone inducing, American muscle car goodness that I have taken care of every day since it came off the production line for a minivan. (Yes, my Charger even has a name, and it's 'Rosario.")
So after much deliberation, Tall Mom and I (Which I'm sure is against her much better judgement) have reached a compromise. The Tall Family is going to be the proud owners of a brand new Dodge Durango Citadel.
Tall Mom gets the space, practicality, and convenience she needs (albeit nowhere near what the minivan has) and I get to keep the Hemi, the sound of a V8 powerhouse engine below my heavy right foot, and the pride of a man who "discovered the wheel." Sure, it's a more expensive - but I like to think that I'm paying a little extra to keep my manhood in tact. Better yet, this car will be kept under my care too. This baby will be just as well taken care of as my children. Yes, because it has to last, but because it's the last resort I have before that minivan option. There is no other option. So you better believe that I'll be taking it to my local Walmart Automotive Car Care Center that I ALWAYS took my Charger to when I needed upkeep. Trust me, we drive a lot - because of my job, I drive upwards of nearly 100 miles a day. So keeping it under control is a necessity, and going to the Walmart is easy because I can drop the car off for whatever it needs (usually an oil change), I can shop with my kids and get all the stuff I need for my endless "honey-do" list, and I don't miss a beat.
Because I drive so much, I always go with the Pennzoil Platinum Synthetic Oil. It keeps my Hemi cleaner and more efficient, and it lasts longer in terms of mileage. What's more is that Pennzoil offers a FREE warranty that covers fifteen engine parts that could fail due to engine wear if you use their product. Like I said, only the best for my baby. Now I just have to set aside another case of diapers for the Durango...